Well, this isn’t going to be a very happy post. I’m not happy and my legs aren’t happy and I’m all about keeping it real and not just writing about the great runs so here we go.
I don’t want to race this weekend.
I’m tired. I’m sick of waking up at ungodly hours to run the same freaking routes I’ve been running for years, I’m tired of being hungry, I’m tired of being sweaty, I’m tired of foam rolling and I’m tired of training. I am sick of thinking about CIM and planning my weeks around my long runs and mileage. I’m sick of explaining to people that the marks on my chest are from my sports bra killing my skin and having an ugly sports bra tan. It’s now dark when I run and rather than revel in my hardcoreness it makes me nervous and sleepy. I’m scared to race. What if all this work I’ve been putting in doesn’t give me the kind of results I want? What if it’s been in vain? What if it hurts? What if I get injured? What if I don’t PR?
I should be loving running right now. The weather is perfect and I have a slew of pretty fun races scheduled. I’m not injured and I have time to run. But for some reason I’m just over it. I have no fire, no drive and no competitive spirit. I feel awkward when I run– I can’t find my stride and I don’t know what to do with my arms.
I know. I said this would happen when I started my training. That it wasn’t going to be all rainbows, roses and lovely runs. And that’s ok– because I know this is the time in training where the rubber hits the road and you really develop character. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
Usually before I race I spend a few minutes each day leading up to the race visualizing the course, how I’ll be feeling at each point and the mental tricks that I’ll use to keep myself motivated and running fast– right now it’s hard to even do that. So now is the time to draw on my training runs– the good, the bad and the ugly– and to remind myself that feeling icky for 5 days doesn’t negate weeks and months of hard training. And to tell my mind to shut it and stop self-sabotaging.
I just keep telling myself that feeling crappy is just my body absorbing the training and miles I’ve put it through in the last few weeks. And like a bear has to go dormant to prepare for the spring, my legs just need a little hibernation before emerging faster and stronger.
So with that said– here’s what I’m going to do to get amped for Sunday:
1. Stop being afraid to race. I’ve run 13 miles at M pace before and I survived.
2. It’s going to hurt. I acknowledge and embrace this. Experiencing pain is important– you only get faster by running faster.
3. Running should be fun. I need to add that goal back in. Have fun.
4. Rest up a little bit. I think I’m just really tired. I’m a little edgy and emotional (which is not like me. despite this emo-ness, I’m really even keeled) and I need to sleep.
5. Distract myself with things other than running. Like my friends and So You Think You Can Dance. Oh and Grey’s.
So hopefully I’ll come back with a happy, happy race report! I know it’ll be a good day– I just need to get excited. I have some goals for this race, but I’m keeping them internal because I don’t want any pressure. I’m putting plenty on myself, trust me.
And hey, if all else fails… and I still feel crappy on Saturday… I am so buying myself a new running outfit. It’s hard to run slow when you look fast, right?