Freaking Out

In the interest of “keeping it real” as the kids these days are saying, I wanted to let you all know that I’m losing it and freaking out a little bit. I mean, on the surface I’m okay (if you can ignore my twitching eye), but internally I’m a basket case. I’m trying to stay calm and using every trick I know– deep breathing, distraction, putting the mind elsewhere… but to be honest, my mind keeps coming right on back to mile 22. And how I think I might feel, what time it’ll be when I get there… you get the picture.

In fact, this morning while I was running I started hyperventilating a little bit. This is NOT normal for me– I’m one of the most even-keeled people I know and can count on one hand the number of times I’ve panicked or raised my voice– it is just not how I roll. But this morning, I panicked. It’s good I’ve done some yoga because I was able to to channel some, “be present” breathing and get myself back to neutral. The thing is, everything was fine. I had 4 x 1200 at LT pace this morning and I was actually pretty speedy. My warm up was slow, but my intervals were in the 7:35-7:50 range which is actually a little too fast. And while I was running my LT intervals, I was fine– I was running too hard to panic. It was just when I was running “easy” that my mind wandered and I freaked out.

Interestingly, I’m not worried about the external factors like start-line logistics, the weather, my outfit, hydration, etc. All of that has been figured out for at least a month. I’m just nervous. But I figure that the best thing is for me to be nervous now than say, on Sunday. And I’m an excited nervous– I only get the 2009 CIM one time and I’m determined to enjoy it, damn it so I will. You know? I think part of it is that I’m just not used to having all this energy– running 60-80 miles per week took a lot out of me and now that I’m back to my energizer-bunny self I feel like I’m coming out of my skin. Like a puppy or something–  maybe I need a chew toy or rawhide to focus on 🙂 Or maybe I’ll ask my roommate to throw the tennis ball for me!

Despite my even-keeled nature I think this might be a normal pattern for me. I remember feeling nervous for finals in college but once the studying was done I would walk into the test pretty confident and usually nail it. I’ve always been a good test-taker and I think this will be similar– mentally it feels similar, it’s just a physical test rather than a mental exercise. And I remember my high school music teacher telling us before recitals that, “fear is just the absence of preparation and if you’ve prepared, there is absolutely no need to fear.” And Mr. Duarte was always right– the man was a legend. And it’s true that I’ve prepared, so there’s no reason to fear, right? Plus if it doesn’t hurt, you’re not racing (thanks Aron!).

Finally, I was in the Sacramento Bee’s runnng blog yesterday– you can click here to see the article. I’m also blogging for “Girls on the Grid” which is a Sacramento-based lifestyle blog and a project of a bunch of my friends. I’m not sure how I feel about all of Sacramento seeing me in my spandex-ed glory, but it’s pretty fun and makes me feel legit. I love that they called me “Sacramento marathoner” like I’m some kind of established runner instead of a hack gearing up for my 2nd marathon. But hey, if “The Secret” is to be believed (oh and I’m so not into it) if you say it, it will happen. So repeat with me, “I’m going to run a 3:39, feel awesome and meet the man of my dreams at mile 18…” Right?

And now that I’m to the bottom of this post, I’m actually feeling a little saner. Somehow writing out that I’m nervous calmed me down. So if I continue to be nervous I’m either going to write a blog post or drink a beer. I have both options in my office (yeah I have beer in my office– it’s awesome).

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6 responses to “Freaking Out

  1. all very normal and i always think writing it out helps too. like i said, its good to be nervous, not being nervous i think is worse… just bottle all that energy up and let it loose on sunday!

  2. It’s totally normal to feel nervous and in the end, I think the nerves are a GOOD thing!! You’ll rock it, you prepared for this. Use those nerves to push you HARDER on Sunday!!

  3. Your plan is so hardcore with speedwork in the last week.

    This week is so hard, but race day will be here soon and it will be fun!

  4. I think nerves are natural, fear is not! Channel your nerves to a positive state of mind and fear will be no more! Best of luck…so close now!

  5. You are doing everything right it sounds like. I am worried because I am not nervous… maybe I need to get on the ball!
    Can’t wait for Sunday (I think) – at least we will get to see one another! 🙂

  6. I think taper is some sort of evil make you question yourself as a sane person mental drama that never gets any easier! Since I’m actually tapering for CIM I am feeling it much more than usual and feel like I’m at the edge of sanity. The random things I’ve been thinking of to distract myself are hilarious and idiotic. It’s good that you’re nervous and I know you’ll do geat come Sunday. Just soak in all the awesome training you did and hell drink a beer you earned it! 🙂

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